Being Ok With Who You Really Are

So I’ve been depressed a long time. And it has caused me to give up. A lot. Or not try very hard.

Exhibit A: I stopped blogging four months ago.

I got VERY depressed about, well, nothing working out in my life. And I just couldn’t do anything beyond the bare minimum.

I was feeling like a fraud writing all these self-help, be-positive blog posts.


I mean, I love that kind of stuff, but God it’s hard to execute.

Why don’t any of these bloggers tell you that? Huh? Huh?

I was writing this stuff for myself, I think. Thinking that if I put it out there, I would do it.

Except I didn’t.

I can’t fake things. I’m just not good at that.

Brown nosing, ass kissing – I just. Can’t.

Clearly. Just ask anyone in my office. Or don’t, it’s pretty clear I can’t fake loving my job.

Anyway, I like writing. I think I’m good at it, and other people have told me they think I’m good at it. But it feels weird to say “I’m good at it.”

But I suppose that would qualify for a lack of self-esteem or something. Ok then, I’m good at it. Everyone happy? No? Didn’t think so.

Because I’ve been pissing a lot of people off lately. Because you will piss people off simply by being yourself.

Apparently. Due to my depression I suppose.

I was beginning to think I had a serious personality problem. But then, after apparently offending like the fourth person in two months, I was like, ok. If you’re that sensitive and cut people off simply for being vulnerable and sharing their feelings with you when they are having a hard time, then maybe you aren’t someone I need in my life.

I’m not talking about being an asshole here. But I think I’m going through a major shedding of unsupportive people in my life.

Because there are supportive people who won’t run away when you share things with them. Who tell you that you’re ok, and that most people can’t handle your shit.

But that’s ok, because that just weeds them out. And that makes room for the ones who CAN handle your shit.

And that makes me less apt to piss people off, because I feel less need to share all my negative thoughts with absolutely everyone.

Funny how that works.




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Finley the Flute

November 2015
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